I am not upset, but I'm asked all the same
and in doing so I become what it was I was not.
I feel the frustration build and bubble under
my insecurities and dashed hopes of dreams,
I see all of my worries and fears coalesce
into the amalgamated horror of everything
I wished would just leave me be, that it would
let me, just for once, be, quite simply, 'me'.
You don't inquire out of spite, or to incite
the unbridled emotion I carry within me, no,
you just wanted to understand what it was
that made me act the way that I acted.
You want to have a semblance of understanding
for why I get like I do, why I seem so tense;
you just want to be the helping hand in the dark.
I don't want the helping hand.
I don't want to need help.
What I want is to be 'normal',
is to be able to get through the day
without setting off alarm bells,
without stirring the hornet nest
of worry and concern that you
hold within, surrounded by all the
good intentions and positive thoughts
that any one person could muster.
I appreciate the sentiment.
I hate the end result.
If there's one thing I have learned,
in my admittedly short stint of breathing air,
it's that there is no black and white, only grey.
That grey seems to be hounding me,
reminding me that it's not as simple,
not as straightforward, as they say it is.
So this is one thing I want to be simple,
one thing that I want to be straightforward.
Please, just understand,
I don't understand.
I don't see that I'm rude,
that I'm coming across as angry.
I don't sense the tone of voice,
I can't hear it back until it's too late,
the words are already out there
and you've decided what it was I meant,
even if I simply did not mean that.
To be plain, I don't think that I think like you,
and I don't think it's something I can learn to do.
Fear is the first thing I notice.
A fear of something unknown,
of an invisible threat
I cannot quite understand.
Then I feel anxiety,
unbearable and constant,
amplifying the terror
and crushing my heart and lungs.
Paranoia seeps in somehow,
finding out my darkest dreams
and showing me how I am
undeserving of the life I lead.
Then I cease the resistance,
allow resignation to flow through
and accept the way of things,
letting reasons for why stay unknown.
These ones are for me to sleep
when I can't simply rest in peace.
These ones help me to stay awake
when I find it hard to concentrate.
These ones give me what my body lacks
from food I eat to try and relax
These ones are for my stomach
and its constant, unending ache.
These ones are difficult to swallow,
but help when I'm scared of tomorrow.
These ones feel strange at the start,
but the feelings fade as I drift apart.
These ones ease the pain in my joints
caused by years of stupid exploits.
These ones balance me out inside,
because I'm told that I'm not quite right.
These ones keep my veins from closing
and help to stop my heart exploding.
These ones find the throbbing pain
that fills my skull almost every day.
These ones try to keep me focused
instead of feeling panicked and hopeless.
These are ones I got prescribed yesterday
to fix all the problems the others create.
I find you distasteful to look at,
and cannot bear the sound of your voice.
I would never have elected to be here
had I even been given a choice,
a choice of where I would like to be,
of who I would like to have been with.
You disgust me.
I know every little secret,
every filthy lie you have told,
and I am not above sharing it,
telling everyone you have known.
What made you think they would go away?
How did you expect to be normal?
You fill me with outrage.
There is nothing you could ever say,
nothing that could convince me that you,
you the pathetic, simpering fool,
are worth more than the dirt on my shoe.
Stop lying to yourself, like you do,
and accept that you don't belong here.
I pity you.
Do you think that you can prove me wrong?
I don't think so, and neither do you.
If you did, then you would be out there,
keeping a hold on what you can lose.
But you're not, you're just in here with me,
and I'm everything you deserve.
I hate you.
I went to see someone last week,
To see them before I fell asleep.
It wasn't quite what I had thought,
An awkward silence over it all, or...
I led someone astray, stringing
them along like I made a pedestal
upon which to stand, hinging my success
on the work of another's hands, or...
I fell, clutching my face, a knell
becoming a din of noise, languishing
my disgrace as I yell and cry
and gasp for a comforting embrace, or...
I did nothing. Nothing happened,
no one came, no one went, and
the waste of time I spent is only
a reminder of what it is I ache for.
"You're so fickle.
Why should it matter?"
I ask for the umpteenth time.
"I don't know what you mean.
What are you implying?"
Her gaze doesn't falter like mine.
"What is there to imply
when I've told you plainly?"
I will not lose this fight.
"There is something.
There always is, isn't there?"
Our words were released at night.
"I see, here it comes.
What is? What is always there?"
I feel a quiver in my lip.
"Don't act so naive,
do you think I'm that stupid?"
Our emotions are losing grip.
"I really don't know,
can't you for once just tell me?"
There was no backing down now.
"How dare you...
how dare you?"
We're falling endlessly down.
"How dare I?
Because you expect everything of me,
because you give nothing back
while I hope for something to change
when nothing ever will.
"How dare I?
Because I care."
A prayer for relief; burying my face in my hands.
No use. The pressure is there, just behind my eyes
and I feel the swell that I cannot stem, it's all mine.
Release is not an option and I resist emotion's plans.
No use. I am overwhelmed and I reveal all my shame,
my fear and lonely self-pity. It's all mine.
I refute the evidence before me, disbelieve the truth.
No use. Denial is awash with rage but cannot fight
and is quelled through overbearing might. I call it mine.
I mutter and mumble my pleas to stop. No use,
no use at all. It stays with me, an unwanted guest
in the vacant residence of my heart, that which is mine.
I hear you and I know your voice well.
It is calm and inviting
But I know better than to listen,
To let you through the door.
You try again with desperation
Seeping through, compelling you forward
But I resist and keep the door closed.
You will not get any closer to me.
Now you begin to reveal yourself,
To stop hiding your true self
But you do not show anger at me,
You begin to laugh, quietly.
The laughter is the worst you can do,
It shows everything to me,
Your contempt, your hatred, your disgust
And your never-ending obsession.
I close my eyes and block you out,
You with your gluttonous hunger
For me, for all that I give you
That I never allowed you to take.
You laugh at my futile efforts.
We both know this is just a game.
You will always be a part of me,
And nothing I do will change that.